Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
