you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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