I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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