Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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