She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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