Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wish there were birth control emojis
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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