if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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