There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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