pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
