i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
