I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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