one might say we're banned from that church
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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