i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
