thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
