I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
