I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
