This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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