Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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