youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just gift wrapped bread.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
