she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
