I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
