i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
