Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
