Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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