you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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