I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
