the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
