Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
