I accidentally had phone sex last night
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
