i can't believe i had my finger in that
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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