Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
