I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
