If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
