Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
