You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
