i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
