Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
