first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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