Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
