nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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