Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
