There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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