You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
