I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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