I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
