really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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