have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
