you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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