I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
