I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
